Category Archives: humorous

The same creators of “Grandmas Smoking Weed For The First Time” have released another epic video, this time featuring three cops.

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Credit: hauraki.co.nz

If there’s anything you watch today, let it be this.

Not too long ago a video featuring three grandmas smoking pot for the first time went viral, and now the same creators who produced that sensation are back with something that might even be better. Not only is the following video entertaining, it’s incredibly informative.

All three of these retired officers (whom haven’t smoked since before being an officer) speak about their thoughts on the legalization of marijuana. One even says that while on the force, he never busted anyone for possession of pot. He states that he threw a lot of stashes away in front of those with possession, as he felt that to be a better deterrent for smokers than any criminal proceedings.

As you’ll see below, all three ex-cops seem to have enjoyed their experience. One’s headache even receded after smoking! Unanimously, they all agree they would partake again.

https://youtu.be/Q2eXs4pCs3k

JACK THE BABOON EMPLOYED AS A SIGNALMAN BY A RAILROAD

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 JACK THE BABOON EMPLOYED AS A SIGNALMAN BY A RAILROAD

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Jack, the Baboon Employed as a Signalman by a Railroad:

During the late 1800s a baboon was employed by the railroad as a signalman. He never once made a mistake and worked for the railroad until his death

Hoax or Fact:

Fact with some missing information.

Analysis:

This is an interesting claim that says a Baboon was employed as a Signalman by a railroad during 1800s, and that he never made a mistake while working for the railroad until his death. The story is a fact, but does not convey complete information.

On Record

The remarkable story of Jack as the signalman baboon was described in Nov. 11, 1990 edition of The Telegraph newspaper, the detailed story of which was published in the July 24, 1890 issue of the science journal Nature.

Story in Detail

Jack, the baboon was owned by a railway man James Wide who lost both his legs in a railway accident in 1877, after which he took a post as signalman at Uitenhage station in the Cape, South Africa. About 4 years later, he saw a Chacma Baboon leading an ox wagon. So he bought the unusually intelligent animal to pull him around on a trolley.

Jack was put in charge of the coal yard keys and also did the station’s gardening, until Wide learnt that the baboon was skilled at operating signals. Jack learned each lever by name and was able to push them into position when a train approached at Uitenhage station. Wide would hold up one or two fingers (as a signal to the animal) and Jack would then pull the correct lever. Finally, Jack needed no instructions from his master and he really knew which lever to operate for each approaching train. Although the baboon was always under the eye of his master James Wide, Jack never made a mistake or required telling twice.

 This way the baboon Jack became popular for his unusual act and was one of the sights of Uitenhage for many years, astonishing all the people who witnessed his unusual feat of operating railway signals. However, when a prominent lady complained about this to the railway authorities, both Jack and Wide were fired. Nonetheless, upon pleading from James Wide, the system manager tested and verified the adeptness of baboon Jack at operating signals. Wide got his job back and Jack was also hired, becoming the only baboon in history to go to work for the railroad. From that day, the baboon was known as Jack the Signalman. After 9 years of living with Wide, Jack died in 1890 after developing tuberculosis.

This interesting story of Jack, the baboon acting as a railway signalman is a very good example to prove that wisdom along with practice can create wonders!

COOL PEOPLE – the original Saturday night live team

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Original-SNL-Cast-360x200

In no particular order: Laraine Newman, John Belushi, Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner, Dan Aykroyd, Garrett Morris, Bill Murray and Chevy Chase

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‘Saturday Night Live': All 141 Cast Members Ranked

Read more: http://www.rollingstone.com/tv/lists/saturday-night-live-all-141-cast-members-ranked-20150211#ixzz3U0XCvTBi
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 40 reasons why ‘Saturday Night Live’ is still awesome in its 40th year

By Todd Leopold, CNN
updated 12:26 PM EDT, Fri September 26, 2014

Source: CNN
 STORY HIGHLIGHTS

  • “Saturday Night Live’s” 40th season premieres Saturday
  • Show has been incredibly influential
  • Cast members have become stars in many media
  • “SNL” has become big leagues of comedy

 

(CNN) — On October 11, 1975, “Saturday Night Live” was first beamed into living rooms.

It wasn’t called “Saturday Night Live” then. It was “NBC’s Saturday Night,” because there was another “Saturday Night Live,” hosted by Howard Cosell, over on ABC. And its Not Ready for Prime Time Players — seven youthful comic veterans of theatrical and improvisational troupes — were known only to those who may have seen performances of Second City (both its Chicago and Toronto versions) or “National Lampoon’s Lemmings.”

Almost 40 years later, the show is an institution: its players celebrated, its catchphrases ubiquitous, its very name synonymous with the comedy big leagues.

‘Saturday Night Live’s’ 5 best skits

As the show prepares for the premiere of its 40th season on Saturday, we celebrate “SNL’s” landmark contributions to pop culture.

“Live”

From the beginning, “SNL” was both cutting-edge comedy and a throwback to TV’s golden era. The show aired live: no retakes, no second chances. Though there’s plenty of taped material — and an occasional delay in case of profanity — it still airs live today.

Rockefeller Center
The show has originated from New York’s Rockefeller Center since the beginning.
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“From New York”

Also like those golden age shows, it airs from New York. When “SNL” started, the Big Apple was a TV backwater, home of soap operas, news operations and little else. Today, a number of network shows shoot in Gotham, and even talk shows have come back to town.

“It’s Saturday Night!”

Before “Saturday Night Live,” late Saturday night was home to old movies, reruns and local programming. The show not only made the slot a network profit center, it helped bring in a youthful audience, which it still does today.

Studio 8H, 30 Rockefeller Center

When it was built in the early ’30s, 8H was the largest studio in the world, home to Arturo Toscanini’s orchestral radio broadcasts. The NBC studio has been the home of “SNL” since the beginning.

The Not Ready for Prime Time Players

The show’s first cast: Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Chevy Chase, Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris, Laraine Newman and Gilda Radner. The show has had more than 130 performers in the years since.

Lorne Michaels
Lorne Michaels created “SNL” and has run it for most of its 39 seasons.
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Lorne Michaels

Except for five seasons in the early ’80s, the show’s creator and executive producer, a Canadian native and former “Laugh-In” writer, has been in charge for all of the show’s soon-to-be 40 seasons.

Dave Wilson

“SNL’s” original director for most of its first 20 seasons. He set the tone for the show and was game enough to take part in the occasional sketch.

Don Pardo

The longtime NBC announcer introduced the first cast — and pretty much every one after that. All told, Pardo announced for 38 of the show’s first 39 seasons. He died in August at 96. Darrell Hammond, “SNL’s” longest-serving cast member, is taking his place.

Don Pardo
Don Pardo was “SNL’s” announcer for most of its run.
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Eugene Lee, Franne Lee and Akira Yoshimura

The Lees and Yoshimura created the show’s look; in fact, Eugene Lee, who’s also won several Tonys, has been “SNL’s” production designer for the entire run. For his part, Yoshimura has connections to several other NBC shows, including “Today,” “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” and “Star Trek.” Well, at least the “SNL” parodies, in which he played Sulu.

“Weekend Update”

The show’s midnight hour begins with a recap of the news. It’s been hosted by everybody from Chevy Chase to Cecily Strong and Colin Jost, with notable turns from Dennis Miller, Norm Macdonald and Tina Fey. It hasn’t always been called “Weekend Update”: for a time in the ’80s, the news segment was called “SNL Newsbreak” and “Saturday Night News.”

Alec Baldwin

The “30 Rock” actor leads the way among “SNL’s” most popular guest hosts with 16 appearances. Steve Martin has 15. Other frequent guest hosts include Buck Henry, John Goodman and Tom Hanks.

Alec Baldwin
Alec Baldwin has hosted “SNL” the most times.
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Miskel Spillman

But to prove that “Anyone Can Host” “SNL,” the show had a contest in 1977 to show just that. The winner was Spillman, a New Orleans octogenarian who did just fine with the program’s drug-fueled humor. Today she’d probably get her own show.

Mr. Bill

TV’s most famous Play-Doh accident victim was created by Walter Williams as the subject of a Super 8 film. Soon, his adventures with Spot, Sluggo and Mr. Hands were regular features on the program. He later did commercials, game shows and even became Peter Scolari for a real-life TV program.

Banned hosts

Not every host was so welcome. Louise Lasser locked herself in her dressing room. She was never asked back. Milton Berle hammed it up. Never again. Steven Seagal, Martin Lawrence and Adrien Brody are also persona non grata.

Paul Simon in a turkey suit

“SNL” is not above making stars look foolish. On the 1976 Thanksgiving show, Simon came out wearing a turkey suit and started singing “Still Crazy After All These Years.” Dolly Parton went along with a skit called “Planet of the Enormous Hooters,” originally written for Raquel Welch. Timberlake put his d**k in a box. You get the idea.

Your musical guest

“SNL” has hosted some of the biggest names in music, often giving them their first taste of the big time. The Rolling Stones played “SNL” — and so did Devo and Fear. Justin Timberlake has taken the stage — and so did Lana Del Rey and Ashlee Simpson. You could set aside a portion of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (or Hall of Shame) for “SNL’s” music.

The Beatles
“SNL” landed some big acts, but never the Beatles — though not from lack of trying.
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The Beatles

But “SNL” never landed the biggest of them all, the Beatles. (Not that anyone else did, either, after 1969.) It wasn’t for lack of trying, though. After a $50 million reunion offer was made to the Fab Four in 1976, Michaels responded by countering with $3,000. The ploy almost worked: a week later, Paul McCartney was visiting John Lennon in New York and the two almost headed down to the studio from Lennon’s Dakota residence. McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr all have appeared solo over the years.

Howard Shore and Paul Shaffer

For musical inspiration, the show has also relied on Shore and Shaffer. Shore was music director for the first five seasons. He’s gone on to really big things since, including composing the music for the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, which won him three Oscars. Shaffer, who could play music impresario Don Kirshner in a pinch, has been David Letterman’s bandleader for more than 30 years.

G.E. Smith

Another of “SNL’s” music directors was once married to Gilda Radner and the guitarist in Hall & Oates’ band. Smith led the “SNL” group from 1985 to 1995.

Game show parodies

What would “SNL” be without game shows? The program has taken numerous shots at “Jeopardy” and “Family Feud” and frequently made up its own contests, including “Jackie Rogers Jr.’s $100,000 Jackpot Wad” and one in which Phil Hartman played God. He did very well.

Short films

“SNL” has regularly gone to tape to air some short films. Some of the best include Eddie Murphy’s investigation, “White Like Me,” Harry Shearer and Martin Short as synchronized swimmers and the cartoons of Robert Smigel’s “TV Funhouse.”

Not Ready for Prime Time Players
The originals (L-R): Gilda Radner, Jane Curtin, Chevy Chase, Laraine Newman, Garrett Morris, John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd.
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“SNL prime time

The show hasn’t always stayed in late night. There have been a number of prime-time specials over the years, from the ridiculous — a messy Mardi Gras program in 1977 — to the sublime: 2008’s “Presidential Bash,” which gave Tina Fey another opportunity to play Sarah Palin.

Recurring characters

John Belushi was a samurai. Phil Hartman was Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. Adam Sandler was Opera Man. In fact, some of these characters were so popular they got their own movies.

“SNL movies

Your local theater has featured movies based on “SNL” characters almost as long as there’s been a “Saturday Night Live.” “The Blues Brothers” went from a strange skit to a hit album and popular movie; “Wayne’s World” was a huge success. Even Julia Sweeney’s androgynous Pat got a movie — “It’s Pat” — though most folks probably want to forget it.

Wayne's World
Dana Carvey and Mike Myers in “Wayne’s World,” one of the most successful of “SNL”-related movies.
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“SNL movie stars

The list of “SNL” performers who have gone on to big-screen stardom is long and influential: John Belushi, Bill Murray, Eddie Murphy, Mike Myers, Adam Sandler, Tina Fey, Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell, just for starters. Even Robert Downey Jr. spent a year in the “SNL” cast when he was best known for playing a jerk in “Weird Science.”

Those who have left us

A handful of “SNL” cast members have left the stage entirely. They include John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Phil Hartman, Chris Farley, Danitra Vance and Charles Rocket, as well as writers Tom Davis and Michael “Mr. Mike” O’Donoghue.

Fake ads

The parody commercial has long been an “SNL” stock in trade, whether it’s Dan Aykroyd’s Ron Popeil-like pitchman for Bass-o-Matic (“Mmm, that’s good bass!”) to Chris Farley and Adam Sandler in an ad for “Schmitt’s Gay, the beer for homosexuals.” Don’t take “Colon Blow” or you may find yourself in need of “Ooops, I Crapped My Pants!”

John Belushi
John Belushi, one of the original cast members, died in 1982.
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Pushing the limits

“SNL” has battled NBC’s censors over the years, so it’s surprising what did make it on the air. How about “Sofa King,” the New Jersey furniture store? Or the music video “D**k in a Box”? The show was once even sponsored by “Pussy Whip, the first dessert topping for cats.”

Impersonations

Over the years, “SNL’s” parodies of celebrities have become better known than the celebrity’s own persona. Dan Aykroyd nailed talk-show host Tom Snyder and Phil Hartman was a wicked Frank Sinatra (“I’ve got chunks of guys like you in my stool!”). The show’s been on long enough that its own stars have since been parodied — witness Jay Pharoah’s take on Eddie Murphy.

Politicians and presidents

But when it comes to impersonations, politicians deserve their own slot. Gerald Ford may have been our most athletic president — the guy almost went into the NFL — but when Chevy Chase started falling down, it was all over. Will Ferrell was a master George W. Bush, while Dana Carvey cornered the market for W.’s father. And could Tina Fey have helped decide the 2008 election with her version of Sarah Palin? 1980 independent John Anderson is lucky he showed up in person.

Will Ferrell as George W. Bush
Darrell Hammond as Dick Cheney and Will Ferrell as George W. Bush in 2009.
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Catchphrases

Where you want to start? “Cheeseboogie, cheeseboogie, cheeseboogie”? “Schwing!” “Well, isn’t that special?” “Da Bearss!” A good chunk of the pop culture phrasebook wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for “Saturday Night Live.”

Shockers

“Saturday Night Live” is, by definition, live, so occasionally the show shocks even the cast. Sinead O’Connor ripped up a photo of Pope John Paul II while saying “Fight the real enemy.” Elvis Costello abruptly stopped “Less Than Zero” to play the anti-industry “Radio, Radio.” Charles Rocket let the F-word fly. For all of the planning and preparation, sometimes stuff happens.

Cameos

Sometimes the shock is on us — especially when there are unexpected guests. Janet Reno dropped by “Janet Reno’s Dance Party,” and the real Sarah Palin showed up next to Fey’s version. Perhaps the most ingenious was Barbra Streisand guesting on “Coffee Talk,” delighting Streisand worshipper Linda Richman (Mike Myers).

Writers

Viewers naturally focus on the cast, but without “SNL’s” writers, the show would be a lot of dead air. So let’s pay some tribute to Anne Beatts and Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Al Franken and Tom Davis, Jim Downey and Alan Zweibel, Andy Breckman and Carol Leifer, Bonnie and Terry Turner, Jack Handey and Robert Smigel, Bob Odenkirk and Ian Maxtone-Graham, Adam McKay and Max Brooks, Mindy Kaling and Simon Rich, and the dozens of others who have written all that material.

Tina Fey, Sarah Palin
Tina Fey’s resemblance to Sarah Palin paid comedic dividends.
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Imitators

“Saturday Night Live” opened the door for several other edgy sketch shows. An early competitor was “Fridays” on ABC, which gave us Michael Richards and Larry David. Later came “MADtv,” “Mr. Show” and “Exit 57.” If the old-fashioned variety show is no more, it’s because of “SNL” and its imitators.

Canadians

“Saturday Night Live” may seem as American as apple pie, but like the Band, there’s a portion that’s as Canadian as a maple syrup-covered moose. Among the show’s north-of-the-border notables: Dan Aykroyd, Mike Myers, Martin Short, Norm Macdonald, musicians Howard Shore and Paul Shaffer, and creator Lorne Michaels.

Improvisers

The show has also used some improv groups as pipelines. More than two dozen of the cast members have come from Second City’s outposts in Chicago and Toronto, and at least 15 have learned the trade with Los Angeles’ Groundlings comedy troupe.

Going viral

In recent years, word of mouth — “Did you see that sketch?” — has been replaced by viral video and social media. The show quickly adapted to new technology, particularly thanks to Andy Samberg and the Lonely Island troupe, whose “Lazy Sunday” became a Web sensation in 2005.

Emmys

According to the Internet Movie Database, “SNL” has won 45 Primetime Emmys over the years. It won four its first year — including outstanding comedy-variety series — and, just last month, picked up five more.

Tina Fey, Lorne Michaels (center) and Dennis McNicholas pose with Emmys in 2002.
Tina Fey, Lorne Michaels (center) and Dennis McNicholas pose with Emmys in 2002.
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“Good night!”

The first show of the 2014-15 season will be “SNL’s” 767th, and it’s long since become the longest-running variety series in U.S. history. To put it another way, both the season premiere host, Chris Pratt, and musical guest, Ariana Grande, were born after “SNL” first went on the air. So here’s to another 40 years — except, this time, let’s use more cowbell.

70’s snl original cast

Original cast members of NBC’s Saturday Night Live

http://youtu.be/p9v1vLuCO2c?list=PLCmxZHumUz_szi0UQHmqAFm5V_XeXSrSd

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Tribute to the SNL Original Cast (1975-1980)

http://youtu.be/Prs3WkcoJ84

Man Wearing ‘Seriously I Have Drugs’ Shirt Arrested on Drug Charges

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Man Wearing ‘Seriously I Have Drugs’ Shirt Arrested on Drug Charges


Pasco County Sheriff’s Office via 97X WXLP

Florida man, John Balmer, was arrested at a Kmart in Hudson, Florida, on Monday.

During his arrest, police noticed Balmer’s shirt, which read: “Who needs drugs” in all caps. Underneath that, it read: “No, Seriously, I have drugs”.

And seriously, he did, according to the Pasco County Sheriff’s Office. They then posted a photo of Balmer in the shirt on their Facebook page. 

According to FOX 13 in Tampa Bay, Balmer tried handing a bag containing a “green leafy substance” to another Kmart customer once he saw police enter the store.

That super smart person decided not to take the suspicious object from a stranger.

Balmer then walked to the register, put the baggy on the ground, and paid for his items.

The deputy checked the bag and found marijuana and methamphetamine. The witness confirmed it was the bag Balmer tried to hand off, according to the report.

Balmer was arrested and booked on charges of possession of meth and marijuana.

Maybe he’ll get a new shirt, “Who needs jail” and under it “No seriously, I’m in jail.”

Read More: Man Wearing ‘Seriously I Have Drugs’ Shirt Arrested on Drug Charges | http://wgrd.com/man-wearing-seriously-i-have-drugs-shirt-arrested-on-drug-charges/?utm_source=taboola.com&utm_medium=referral&trackback=tsmclip

Picture of the Day: Kim Jong Un Gets Guile Inspired Haircut!

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Picture of the Day: Kim Jong Un Gets Guile Inspired Haircut

Picture of the Day: Kim Jong Un Gets Guile Inspired Haircut

Photograph by KCNA Watch/Rodong Sinmun Channelling his inner Guile, Kim Jong Un showed off his newest hairstyle at an enlarged meeting of the Political Bureau of the Central Committee of the Workers’ Party of Korea (WPK). The meeting took place in Pyongyang on 18 February 2015. KCNA Watch has the full report on the…

Read More »

COOL PEOPLE -BENNY HILL

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M9089images MKLO0images MKI9images MKI90images MKI989 MNKJIimagesBenny Hill – Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West)

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The Strange Life of Benny Hill
Miss Cellania • Thursday, October 24, 2013 at 5:0

 Neatorama presents a guest post from actor, comedian, and voiceover artist Eddie Deezen. Visit Eddie at his website or at Facebook.

Who makes a person laugh is an entirely subjective thing. Like taste in dogs, cars, colors, beautiful women or good-looking men, it is entirely a matter of individual taste. While the Three Stooges will almost always leave me hysterical with laughter, I know of others who view their antics stone-faced. Other will scream with joy at Jonathan Winters or Sid Caesar and neither has ever made me even snicker. With that in mind, I have always considered Benny Hill to be the most underrated comedian of all time.

This brilliant comedic genius was born Alfred Hawthorne Hill on January 24, 1924. After working as a milkman and a drummer, young Alfred drifted into various performing jobs at Masonic dinners and men’s clubs before graduating to night clubs and theaters. He also made several appearance on British radio in the early years. Alfred soon changed his first name to “Benny” in honor of his favorite comedian, Jack Benny.

Hill’s early roles were eclectic, sometimes as a comedian, and sometimes playing a straight man. He started appearing on British television in 1955 with the earliest version of The Benny Hill Show. The show made him famous in Britain, but this early show is like lukewarm tea compared to the wild later version of the show. After viewing (and loving) the famous Benny Hill shows of the 1970s and ’80s, I was very surprised at how mild and tame these earlier shows were.

Benny also had a comedy anthology show Benny Hill (1962-63) in which he played a different role each week. Interestingly, Hill also did some Shakespeare, appearing as Bottom in 1964’s TV version of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Hill made a few brief appearances in films, probably most notably in a relatively straight role at the toymaker in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang in 1968. A multi-faceted talent, Benny even had a #1 British single at Christmastime with “Ernie, the Fastest Milkman in the West.”

Benny Hill – Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West)

http://youtu.be/8e1xvyTdBZI?list=RDPVR-PyRC4io

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In 1969, Benny’s show switched from the ultra-conservative BBC network that had been carrying his show and made the movie to Thames television. It was this move that really gave birth to the incredible comic genius of Benny Hill. Probably the changing times had a lot to do with Benny and his creative freedom splurging in these classic ’70s and ’80s shows. The loosening of strict codes of morality and censorship enabled Benny to create these mini-masterpieces of comic brilliance.

Hill’s show was chock-full of double entendres, sight gags, cross-dressing, and the scantily-clad beauties “Hill’s Angels” that became his stock-in-trade. He also loved using slow-motion, speeded-up motion, and time-lapse sequences. It was with these classic shows of the ’70s and ’80s that Benny really hit his stride as a comic, and for these shows he will always be remembered.

 El Show de Benny Hill [1955] INTRO

http://youtu.be/n_uYgpOqBP8

Benny’s show came to America in 1979 and quickly became a popular favorite (like the Three Stooges, his appeal was definitely more to male viewers than female). As The Benny Hill Show was carried in more and more countries, Benny’s fame spread and he quickly became world famous. To this day, the show’s theme song, “Yakety Sax,” is known the world over as “The Benny Hill Theme.”

His fans included Mickey Rooney, Burt Reynolds, Walter Cronkite, Michael Caine, and Bob Hope -in fact, Bob Hope wrote the forward to the 1989 book The Benny Hill Story.

In what may have been the most memorable moment of his life, in the 1970s, Benny was invited to Vevey, Switzerland, by the great Charlie Chaplin. He dined with the immortal Chaplin and was the first person, outside of family, to be invited to the Chaplin’s private study. Once inside, Benny saw a complete collection of Benny Hill videotapes -it seems Chaplin was a huge Benny Hill fan and thought he was hilarious. Benny was touched and always treasured this memory.

El Show de Benny Hill [1955] INTRO

http://youtu.be/WLLunRM0rkE

Contrary to the boisterous, loud character he played on the small screen, Benny was a quiet, private man in real life. He lived in the same large double apartment, most of the time with his mother, for 26 years. When his mother died, he turned the apartment into a shrine, not changing anything. He lived alone in a rented apartment until his death, never owning a house -or a car. Despite his great wealth, Benny never wanted the responsibility of owning a home; he instead had a host of flats he used. Benny liked being by himself. He was one of those people who was “alone, but not lonely.”

Benny was a huge Francophile, enjoying visits to France immensely (usually in Marseilles). Almost up until the ’80s he could go to France and enjoy anonymity, riding local public transport and socializing with beautiful women. Highly intelligent, he was fluent in French and also knew some German, Dutch, and Italian.

Although he was to become world famous as the “dirty old man” who leered and cavorted with young women, in his private life, Hill had much less success with the ladies. He definitely liked women, enjoyed their company, and fell very deeply in love. Sadly, he proposed to three different women in his life and was turned down by all three.

According to a few of the beautiful “Hill’s Angels,” Benny loved taking them out on dates, but never made the first move or even tried to kiss them. Rumors circulated that Benny was gay, which he laughingly denied. The irony of TV’s top woman-chaser being suspected as gay is almost too much to believe.

Who knows? Maybe he was, or maybe not. Maybe he was impotent, or maybe he was just extremely shy. Incredibly, there is a school of thought that Benny Hill may have died a virgin. Whatever secrets he had in the sexual facet of his life, Benny took to the grave with him.

By the 1990s, the hugely popular Benny Hill Show was being politely censored by influence from a new, highly influential nemesis: the feminists. The “femi-nazis” and the newest fad of the time, “political correctness” had raised its horrible, intimidating head. Benny found his once-popular show being canceled in several countries. The hard-hearted feminists couldn’t stand seeing Benny running around with beautiful, young girls in their meager attire.

Baffled and depressed, Benny denied the loud outcry that his show was sexist. He answered the feminists by pointing out that he never actually chased the women on his show, it was always they who chased him. He also pointed out that it was old men on the show who truly looked foolish, not the girls.

“I use a pretty girl the way Henny Youngman used his violin -as a bridge between one laugh and the next,” he said, truthfully. Nonetheless, politics ruled, and The Benny Hill Show began a not-so-gradual disappearing act. To this day, although we live in a world of hundreds of cable choices and selections, one is hard-pressed to find The Benny Hill Show anywhere on TV anymore.

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A Tribute to The Benny Hill Show

A tribute to the classic British television comedy “The Benny Hill Show”. Scenes from The Benny Hill Show include the beautiful and sexy Hill’s Angels. Music is the theme from The Benny Hill Show(Yakety Sax).

http://youtu.be/iAiq1xKF38k

The Benny Hill Show Best Videos – Part 1

http://youtu.be/HbZxcd22Q8o

Benny was sad and slightly shell-shocked. By the 1990s, his health was rapidly deteriorating. He was gaining weight at a rapid pace. On February 11, 1992, doctors warned him that he was overweight and recommended a heart bypass. Benny refused, and a week later suffered renal failure. Benny lacked confidence in the medical profession as a whole, and in a case of life imitating art, he entrusted his health to a gynecologist who had a pathological obsession for pinching women on their hindquarters.

By mid-April, some of Benny’s neighbors complained about a pungent odor emanating from Benny’s flat. They realized they hadn’t seen the comedian for several days and phoned the police. Their fears were soon realized; Benny Hill had died very much as he had lived his life -alone. In front of his beloved television, he was slumped on the couch, surrounded by cardboard boxes, unwashed crockery, empty glasses, and piles of videotapes. Benny Hill had died of heart failure at the age of 67.

As we all know, none of us ever forgets the ones we loved in our lives. I also believe we never forget the ones who made us laugh. And Benny Hill certainly did that.

Luckily for us, it is easy to find and view the great Benny Hill on DVD and videotape or even on YouTube.

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Q: Why do Scottish people wear kilts? A: Sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes. One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, “Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?” His friend replies, “Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?”

Q: If a plane crashed on the Canada/USA border, where would the survivors be buried?
A: You don’t bury survivors.

Q: Why were the Indians here first?
A: They had reservations.

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?” The preacher calmly said “No, God will save me.” A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?” The preacher replied again, “No God will save me.” Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?” God replied, “Fool, I sent you two boats!”

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knockin’! There’s no paper on this side either!”

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.” So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?” “Blind man!” The nuns look at each other and one nun says, “He’s blind, so he can’t see. What could it hurt?” They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!” A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'” The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.” The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.” He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”

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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!” A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'” The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.” The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.” He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. “Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.” The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. “Oh, God!” she exclaims. “Take me with you!” The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise. “Ha, ha!” he says, “I’m the man from the bus!” “Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume, “I’m the bus driver!”

A little boy wants a bike for Christmas really badly, but the kid is a real bad seed, and he knows it. He writes a letter to Jesus. “Dear Jesus, if I get a bike for Christmas, I’ll be good for a whole week.” He thinks about it, crosses out what he wrote, and says, “I can’t be good for a whole week, I’ll be good for five days.” He crosses that out and writes, “I’ll be good for four days.” Then he thinks again and says, “Can’t do that.” He gets down to one day and says, “I can’t even be good for a day.” Then in frustration, goes in his mother’s room and get the statue of the Virgin Mary, wraps it up in a blanket, puts it in a paper bag, throws it in the closet and says, “Dear Jesus, if I don’t get a bike for Christmas, you’ll never see your mother again!”

 

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Three guys are at the gates of Heaven, and God tells them, “We have a special today! If you died a terrible death, you’re in for free.” So God asks the first guy his story. “I was a hard working man and a loving husband, but I began to suspect that my wife was cheating on me. One day, I called in sick to work and left for home to hide and closely watch my apartment. I saw a man go in, and I decided to wait a few minutes to catch them in the act. Then, I started banging on my door. They wouldn’t open it, so I broke down the door and walked in to see my wife sitting naked, but the man wasn’t in sight. I went to the balcony, where I saw a naked man hanging on the edge. I began to stomp on his hands until he fell down, but there were bushes, so I got my fridge and tossed it on him. In the process of tossing the fridge, I also fell over and died.” God replies, “Wow, that’s pretty bad, finding out your wife cheated and falling off your balcony. You pass.” The second guy says, “God, my only crime was that I enjoyed dancing naked in my apartment while eating pickles out of the jar. I was doing just that one day, when I slipped on a pickle and fell over my balcony. Luckily, I was able to grab on to the ledge below mine. After a few minutes, a man came and I thought he was going to rescue me, but he began to stomp on my hands. I fell, but luckily, I fell into the bushes. I thought I had survived, but that man threw a fridge at me and I died!” God replies, “Wow, that’s very cruel, being crushed to death.” The third man says, “I died naked in a fridge.”

Three guys are at the gates of Heaven, and God tells them, “We have a special today! If you died a terrible death, you’re in for free.” So God asks the first guy his story. “I was a hard working man and a loving husband, but I began to suspect that my wife was cheating on me. One day, I called in sick to work and left for home to hide and closely watch my apartment. I saw a man go in, and I decided to wait a few minutes to catch them in the act. Then, I started banging on my door. They wouldn’t open it, so I broke down the door and walked in to see my wife sitting naked, but the man wasn’t in sight. I went to the balcony, where I saw a naked man hanging on the edge. I began to stomp on his hands until he fell down, but there were bushes, so I got my fridge and tossed it on him. In the process of tossing the fridge, I also fell over and died.” God replies, “Wow, that’s pretty bad, finding out your wife cheated and falling off your balcony. You pass.” The second guy says, “God, my only crime was that I enjoyed dancing naked in my apartment while eating pickles out of the jar. I was doing just that one day, when I slipped on a pickle and fell over my balcony. Luckily, I was able to grab on to the ledge below mine. After a few minutes, a man came and I thought he was going to rescue me, but he began to stomp on my hands. I fell, but luckily, I fell into the bushes. I thought I had survived, but that man threw a fridge at me and I died!” God replies, “Wow, that’s very cruel, being crushed to death.” The third man says, “I died naked in a fridge.”

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs, “I didn’t recognize you.”

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If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

A husband and wife are in church. The preacher notices that the husband has fallen asleep and says to the wife, “Wake your husband up!” The wife answers, “You’re the one who made him fall asleep, you wake him up!”

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson’s Nails. “Give me a week,” says the friend, “and I’ll be back with a tape.” A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, “Use Wilson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.” Wilson goes mad, shouting, “What is the matter with you? They’ll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!” Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, “Wilson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.” Wilson is beside himself. “You don’t understand. I don’t want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I’ll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast.” A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, “If only we had used Wilson’s Nails!”

Two nuns were riding their bicycles down the street. The first nun says, “I’ve never came this way before.” The second nun says, “Yeah, it’s the cobblestones!”

Two nuns were riding their bicycles down the street. The first nun says, “I’ve never came this way before.” The second nun says, “Yeah, it’s the cobblestones!”

Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal?
A: His goal: transcend dental medication.

A man walks into the ladies department of Macy’s, walks up to the woman behind the counter and says, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.” “What type of bra?” asks the clerk. “Type?” inquires the man. “There is more than one type?” “Look around,” says the saleslady, as she shows a sea of bras in every shape, size, color, and material. “Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,” replies the salesclerk. Confused, the man asks what the types are. The saleslady replies, “The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?” Still confused, the man asks, “What is the difference between them?” The lady responds, “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

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A man walks into the ladies department of Macy’s, walks up to the woman behind the counter and says, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.” “What type of bra?” asks the clerk. “Type?” inquires the man. “There is more than one type?” “Look around,” says the saleslady, as she shows a sea of bras in every shape, size, color, and material. “Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,” replies the salesclerk. Confused, the man asks what the types are. The saleslady replies, “The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?” Still confused, the man asks, “What is the difference between them?” The lady responds, “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 29? Because 30 is too many!

When Paddy’s dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn’t do services like that for animals. Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, “Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog’s funeral?” The preacher relied, “Dearest Paddy, why didn’t you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?”

Q: Why did all the hippies go to church on the first day of Lent? A: They heard it was “Hash Wednesday.”

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Q: How does Moses make his tea?
A: Hebrews it.

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia who stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog?

AUSTRALIANS DEAN AND EDUARD NITZ LAY CLAIM TO ‘WORLD’S OLDEST BURGER

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Mmm…..Casey Dean and Eduard Nitz have waited 20 years to taste this burger. Source: Channel 10

ONCE upon a time in Adelaide, Casey Dean, 14, and his good mate Eduard Nitz, 13, stopped off at their local McDonald’s to pick up some burgers. Among them was a Quarter Pounder with cheese they’d bought for another kid. That kid never turned up, but they didn’t eat his burger. Ever.

That was back in 1995. The boys have become men and the burger has turned 20 and to celebrate, Mr Dean and Mr Nitz are going to reveal it to the world for the first time with an appearance on The Project tonight.

To bite or not to bite? Casey Dean and Eduard Nitz have pondered this question for two de

To bite or not to bite? Casey Dean and Eduard Nitz have pondered this question for two decades. Source: Channel 10

“We’re pretty sure it’s the oldest burger in the world,” Mr Dean said.

“It started off as a joke, you know we told our friend we’d hold his burger for him but he never turned up and before we knew it six months had passed. The months became years and now, 20 years later, it looks the same as it did the day we bought it, perfectly preserved in its original wrapping.”

SO IF YOU LIKE THIS BLOG GIVE IT A LOOK AND GIVE IT A “LIKE”

U.K. farmer breeds the tears out of an onion

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U.K. farmer breeds the tears out of an onion

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The Sweet Red has just hit grocery shelves, promising fewer tears and sweeter-smelling breath.

It’s hard to chop an onion when you have tears in your eyes. (Photo: Sean Locke Photography/Shutterstock)

One of the most frequently used items in my kitchen is a pair of onion goggles. I need them because I’m incredibly susceptible to the sulfur that’s released when an onion is sliced. Within half a minute, my eyes burn and tear up, making it very difficult to chop an onion without harming myself with my chef’s knife.
A farmer in England may be on his way to making my onion goggles obsolete, at least when I’m chopping a red onion for dishes like Sourdough Panzanella or Guacamole. For 20 years, Alastair Findlay of Bedfordshire Growers has worked on creating a new type of onion, one he calls a Sweet Red, according to Yahoo.
Sweet Reds have a flavor that’s milder than other red onions. They also don’t leave your breath smelling as onion-y, and they don’t give off as much tear-producing sulfur.
I assume the Sweet Red is a hybrid vegetable. The hybrid process crossbreeds two different types or varieties of vegetables or fruits, creating a new, natural variety. This is different from genetically modifying foods, by the way.
Findlay isn’t done tweaking the onions. He’s working on improving the flavor of his Sweet Red even further.
For now, the first harvest of Sweet Reds is available only at the U.K. grocery chain Asda, so I suppose I’ll need my onion goggles for a while longer. I’d love to get my hands on one, though, and test the no-more-tears promise of the Sweet Red.

Read more: http://www.mnn.com/food/healthy-eating/blogs/uk-farmer-breeds-the-tears-out-of-an-onion#ixzz3S227VMer

THE SUBTLE ART OF NOT GIVING A FUCK

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THE SUBTLE ART OF NOT GIVING A FUCK

 

In my life, I have given a fuck about many people and many things. I have also not given a fuck about many people and many things. And those fucks I have not given have made all the difference.

People often say the key to confidence and success in life is to simply “not give a fuck.” Indeed, we often refer to the strongest, most admirable people we know in terms of their lack of fucks given. Like “Oh, look at Susie working weekends again, she doesn’t give a fuck.” Or “Did you hear that Tom called the company president an asshole and still got a raise anyway? Holy shit, that dude does not give a fuck.” Or “Jason got up and ended his date with Cindy after 20 minutes. He said he wasn’t going to listen to her bullshit anymore. Man, that guy does not give a fuck.”

Chances are you know somebody in your life who, at one time or another, did not give a fuck and went on to accomplish amazing feats. Perhaps there was a time in your life where you simply did not give a fuck and excelled to some extraordinary heights. I know for myself, quitting my day job in finance after only six weeks and telling my boss that I was going to start selling dating advice online ranks pretty high up there in my own “didn’t give a fuck” hall of fame. Same with deciding tosell most of my possessions and move to South America. Fucks given? None. Just went and did it.

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Now, while not giving a fuck may seem simple on the surface, it’s a whole new bag of burritos under the hood. I don’t even know what that sentence means, but I don’t give a fuck. A bag of burritos sounds awesome, so let’s just go with it.

The point is, most of us struggle throughout our lives by giving too many fucks in situations where fucks do not deserve to be given. We give a fuck about the rude gas station attendant who gave us too many nickels. We give a fuck when a show we liked was canceled on TV. We give a fuck when our coworkers don’t bother asking us about our awesome weekend. We give a fuck when it’s raining and we were supposed to go jogging in the morning.

Fucks given everywhere. Strewn about like seeds in mother-fucking spring time. And for what purpose? For what reason? Convenience? Easy comforts? A pat on the fucking back maybe?

This is the problem, my friend.

Because when we give too many fucks, when we choose to give a fuck about everything, then we feel as though we are perpetually entitled to feel comfortable and happy at all times, that’s when life fucks us.

Indeed, the ability to reserve our fucks for only the most fuckworthy of situations would surely make life a hell of a lot easier. Failure would be less terrifying. Rejection less painful. Unpleasant necessities more pleasant and the unsavory shit sandwiches a little bit more savory. I mean, if we could only give a few less fucks, or a few more consciously-directed fucks, then life would feel pretty fucking easy.

What we don’t realize is that there is a fine art of non-fuck-giving. People aren’t just born not giving a fuck. In fact, we’re born giving way too many fucks. Ever watch a kid cry his eyes out because his hat is the wrong shade of blue? Exactly. Fuck that kid.

Developing the ability to control and manage the fucks you give is the essence of strength and integrity. We must craft and hone our lack of fuckery over the course of years and decades. Like a fine wine, our fucks must age into a fine vintage, only uncorked and given on the most special fucking occasions.

This may sound easy. But it is not. Most of us, most of the time, get sucked in by life’s mean trivialities, steamrolled by its unimportant dramas; we live and die by the sidenotes and distractions and vicissitudes that suck the fucks out of us likeSasha Grey in the middle of a gangbang.

This is no way to live, man. So stop fucking around. Get your fucks together. And here, allow me to fucking show you.

SUBTLETY #1: NOT GIVING A FUCK DOES NOT MEAN BEING INDIFFERENT; IT MEANS BEING COMFORTABLE WITH BEING DIFFERENT

When most people envision giving no fucks whatsoever, they envision a kind of perfect and serene indifference to everything, a calm that weathers all storms.

This is misguided. There’s absolutely nothing admirable or confident about indifference. People who are indifferent are lame and scared. They’re couch potatoes and internet trolls. In fact, indifferent people often attempt to be indifferent because in reality they actually give too many fucks. They are afraid of the world and the repercussions of their own choices. Therefore, they make none. They hide in a grey emotionless pit of their own making, self-absorbed and self-pitied, perpetually distracting themselves from this unfortunate thing demanding their time and energy called life.

My mother was recently screwed out of a large chunk of money by a close friend of hers. Had I been indifferent, I would have shrugged my shoulders, sipped some mocha and downloaded another season of The Wire. Sorry mom.

But instead, I was indignant. I was pissed off. I said, “No, screw that mom, we’re going to lawyer the fuck up and go after this asshole. Why? Because I don’t give a fuck. I will ruin this guy’s life if I have to.”

This illustrates the first subtlety about not giving a fuck. When we say, “Damn, watch out, Mark Manson just don’t give a fuck,” we don’t mean that Mark Manson doesn’t care about anything; on the contrary, what we mean is that Mark Manson doesn’t care about adversity in the face of his goals, he doesn’t care about pissing some people off to do what he feels is right or important or noble. What we mean is that Mark Manson is the type of guy who would write about himself in third person and use the word ‘fuck’ in an article 127 different times just because he thought it was the right thing to do. He just doesn’t give a fuck.

This is what is so admirable — no, not me, dumbass — the overcoming adversity stuff. The staring failure in the face and shoving your middle finger back at it. The people who don’t give a fuck about adversity or failure or embarrassing themselves or shitting the bed a few times. The people who just laugh and then do it anyway. Because they know it’s right. They know it’s more important than them and their own feelings and their own pride and their own needs. They say “Fuck it,” not to everything in life, but rather they say “Fuck it” to everything unimportant in life. They reserve their fucks for what truly fucking matters. Friends. Family. Purpose. Burritos. And an occasional lawsuit or two. And because of that, because they reserve their fucks for only the big things, the important things, people give a fuck about them in return.

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SUBTLETY #2: TO NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ADVERSITY, YOU MUST FIRST GIVE A FUCK ABOUT SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN ADVERSITY

Eric Hoffer once wrote: “A man is likely to mind his own business when it is worth minding. When it is not, he takes his mind off his own meaningless affairs by minding other people’s business.”

The problem with people who hand out fucks like ice cream at a goddamn summer camp is that they don’t have anything more fuckworthy to dedicate their fucks to.

Think for a second. You’re at a grocery store. And there’s an elderly lady screaming at the cashier, berating him for not accepting her 30-cent coupon. Why does this lady give a fuck? It’s just 30 cents.

Well, I’ll tell you why. That old lady probably doesn’t have anything better to do with her days than to sit at home cutting out coupons all morning. She’s old and lonely. Her kids are dickheads and never visit. She hasn’t had sex in over 30 years. Her pension is on its last legs and she’s probably going to die in a diaper thinking she’s in Candyland. She can’t fart without extreme lower back pain. She can’t even watch TV for more than 15 minutes without falling asleep or forgetting the main plotline.

So she snips coupons. That’s all she’s got. It’s her and her damn coupons. All day, every day. It’s all she can give a fuck about because there is nothing else to give a fuck about. And so when that pimply-faced 17-year-old cashier refuses to accept one of them, when he defends his cash register’s purity the way knights used to defend maidens’ virginities, you can damn well bet granny is going to erupt and verbally hulk smash his fucking face in. Eighty years of fucks will rain down all at once, like a fiery hailstorm of “Back in my day” and “People used to show more respect” stories, boring the world around her to tears in her creaking and wobbly voice.

If you find yourself consistently giving too many fucks about trivial shit that bothers you — your ex-girlfriend’s new Facebook picture, how quickly the batteries die in the TV remote, missing out on yet another 2-for-1 sale on hand sanitizer — chances are you don’t have much going on in your life to give a legitimate fuck about. And that’s your real problem. Not the hand sanitizer.

Way too many fucks given.
Way too many fucks given.

In life, our fucks must be spent on something. There really is no such thing as not giving a fuck. The question is simply how we each choose to allot our fucks. You only get a limited amount of fucks to give over your lifetime, so you must spend them with care. As my father used to say, “Fucks don’t grow on trees, Mark.” OK, he never actually said that. But fuck it, pretend like he did. The point is that fucks have to be earned and then invested wisely. Fucks are cultivated like a beautiful fucking garden, where if you fuck shit up and the fucks get fucked, then you’ve fucking fucked your fucks all the fuck up.

SUBTLETY #3: WE ALL HAVE A LIMITED NUMBER OF FUCKS TO GIVE; PAY ATTENTION TO WHERE AND WHO YOU GIVE THEM TO

When we’re young, we have tons of energy. Everything is new and exciting. And everything seems to matter so much. Therefore, we give tons of fucks. We give a fuck about everything and everyone — about what people are saying about us, about whether that cute boy/girl called us back or not, about whether our socks match or not or what color our birthday balloon is.

As we get older, we gain experience and begin to notice that most of these things have little lasting impact on our lives. Those people’s opinions we cared about so much before have long been removed from our lives. We’ve found the love we need and so those embarrassing romantic rejections cease to mean much anymore. We realize how little people pay attention to the superficial details about us and we focus on doing things more for ourselves rather than for others.

Bunk Moreland, not giving a fuck since 2002.
Bunk Moreland, not giving a fuck since 2002.

Essentially, we become more selective about the fucks we’re willing to give. This is something called ‘maturity.’ It’s nice, you should try it sometime. Maturity is what happens when one learns to only give a fuck about what’s truly fuckworthy. As Bunk Moreland said in The Wire(which, fuck you, I still downloaded it) to his partner Detective McNulty: “That’s what you get for giving a fuck when it wasn’t your turn to give a fuck.”

Then, as we grow older and enter middle age, something else begins to change. Our energy levels drop. Our identities solidify. We know who we are and we no longer have a desire to change what now seems inevitable in our lives.

And in a strange way, this is liberating. We no longer need to give a fuck about everything. Life is just what it is. We accept it, warts and all. We realize that we’re never going to cure cancer or go to the moon or feel Jennifer Aniston’s tits. And that’s OK. Life fucking goes on. We now reserve our ever-dwindling fucks only for the most truly fuckworthy parts of our lives: our families, our best friends, our golf swing. And to our astonishment, this is enough. This simplification actually makes us really fucking happy.

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Then somehow, one day, much later, we wake up and we’re old. And along with our gum lines and our sex drive, our ability to give a fuck has receded to the point of non-existence. In the twilight of our days, we carry out a paradoxical existence where we no longer have the energy to give a fuck about the big things in life, and instead we must dedicate the few fucks we have left to the simple and mundane yet increasingly difficult aspects of our lives: where to eat lunch, doctors appointments for our creaky joints, 30-cent discounts at the supermarket, and driving without drifting to sleep and killing a parking lot full of orphans. You know, practical concerns.