Tag Archives: humor

This #Exam Is FINAL

Standard

This Exam Is FINAL

mnht

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Mississippi.  They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid “A”.  These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends.

They had a great time, however, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Mississippi until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final.

They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day.  The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final.

The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.  They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points.  It was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.

“Cool ,” they thought.  “This is going to be easy.”  They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were not prepared, however, for what they saw on this page. It said: (95 Points).  Which tire?

HIGHWAY AMERICA – Actual questions asked of #National Park Rangers

Standard

yosemiteActual questions asked of National Park Rangers

grand

6a00e54ee8552c883300e54f2d436c8834-800wi_2


(From the May 1995 issue of Outside; sent to me by Karyen Chu)

GRAND CANYON:

  • Was this man made?
  • Do you light it up at night?
  • Is the mule train air conditioned?
  • So where are the faces of the presidents?

EVERGLADES NATIONAL PARK:

 florida

EVERGLADES NATIONAL PARK:

  • Are the alligators real?
  • Are the baby alligators for sale?
  • Where are all the rides?
  • What time does the 2 o’clock bus leave?

MESA VERDE NATIONAL PARK:

  • Did people build this, or did Indians?
  • Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
  • Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
  • What did they worship in the kivas – their own made up religion?
  • Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

CARLSBAD CAVERNS NATIONAL PARK:

  • How much of the cave is underground?
  • So what’s in the unexplored part of the cave?
  • So what is this – just a hole in the ground?

YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK:

yosemite

  • Where are the cages for the animals?
  • What time of year do they turn on Yosemite Falls?
  • What happened to the other half of Half Dome?

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK:

yellow

  • Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
  • How do you turn it on?
  • When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
  • We had no trouble finding the park entrance but where are the exits?

DENALI NATIONAL PARK:

  • What’s so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
  • How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
  • What time do you feed the bears?
  • How often do you mow the tundra?

 

  • Are the alligators real?
  • Are the baby alligators for sale?
  • Where are all the rides?
  • What time does the 2 o’clock bus leave?

MESA VERDE NATIONAL PARK:

  • Did people build this, or did Indians?
  • Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
  • Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
  • What did they worship in the kivas – their own made up religion?
  • Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

CARLSBAD CAVERNS NATIONAL PARK:

  • How much of the cave is underground?
  • So what’s in the unexplored part of the cave?
  • So what is this – just a hole in the ground?

YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK:

  • Where are the cages for the animals?
  • What time of year do they turn on Yosemite Falls?
  • What happened to the other half of Half Dome?

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK:

  • Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
  • How do you turn it on?
  • When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
  • We had no trouble finding the park entrance but where are the exits?

DENALI NATIONAL PARK:

  • What’s so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
  • How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
  • What time do you feed the bears?
  • How often do you mow the tundra?

10 People Who Fell Asleep At The Worst Possible Time

Standard

10 People Who Fell Asleep At The Worst Possible Time

5/21/2015 (Updated 05/22/2015)
37,938 views

The airline passenger who fell asleep with his finger on slash key

The airline passenger who fell asleep with his finger on slash key

We know that poor ventilation can sometimes leave airline passengers feeling sleepy. One busy traveler drifted off on his flight, but not before he took his finger off his laptop keyboard.

A video uploaded on YouTube showing the sleeping man with his finger stuck pushing the “////////////” key on his keyboard went viral, and has been watched almost 1,000,000 times since it was posted. Entitled “Dude sleeping on jet w/finger on slash key,” it was apparently shot by his seat mate.

(Source)

2
The Norwegian tourist who fell asleep on an airport baggage belt
The Norwegian tourist who fell asleep on an airport baggage belt

Rome’s Fiumicino Airport security procedures were under fire after a drunk Norwegian tourist fell asleep on a baggage belt and travelled 160 feet before being identified by an X-ray scanner.

The unnamed 36-year-old arrived at the international terminal of Italy’s busiest airport in 2012 with a backpack and a can of beer in his hand.

The Norwegian was due to check in for a flight to Oslo. When he found no one on duty at the airline desk, he leapt across the counter and fell into a deep asleep on the baggage belt with his bag beside him. As the belt began to move the unsuspecting tourist reportedly travelled for 15 minutes through the secure baggage area in Terminal 3 before officials spotted his body curled up in a fetal position in an X-ray image on their monitors. He slept through the whole episode and airport police had trouble waking him when they were called to the scene to investigate what had happened. (Source)

3
The judge who fell asleep during a rape trial
The judge who fell asleep during a rape trial

A rape case collapsed after a senior judge was accused of snoozing while an alleged child abuse victim was giving evidence. Recorder Philip Cattan, a respected Manchester barrister who sits as a judge part-time, was seen to ‘nod off’ as the under-aged victim answered questions from the defense.

Concerned the 65-year-old judge had fallen asleep at a crucial point in the case, barristers said they wanted to raise a “point of law.” While the jury was out of the room, the judge was confronted with the claim that he had slept through part of the cross-examination of the witness, who was giving evidence via videolink because of her age.

The incident was witnessed by the family of the alleged victim in the trial of John Quigley, which was expected to last five days. The decision was then taken to abandon the trial.

The girl giving evidence was the first of two youngsters expected to testify that they were abused as little girls in offenses spanning from 2006 to 2013. She will now have to give evidence a second time when the case is re-listed. (Source)

4
The Comcast technician who fell asleep on a customer’s couch while on hold with the company’s central office
The Comcast technician who fell asleep on a customer's couch while on hold with the company's central office

A Comcast technician went to replace a faulty modem. After spending an hour on hold with Comcast’s central office, he fell asleep on the client’s couch. Customer Brian Finkelstein of Washington, D.C., posted a video of the sleeping technician and told this story on YouTube.com

Comcast was not amused and fired the guy. They also fixed the customer’s problem.(Source)

5
The drunk student who fell asleep on a radiator then woke to find his arm melted to it
The drunk student who fell asleep on a radiator then woke to find his arm melted to it

A drunken student fell asleep on a radiator and woke to find his arm melted to it. The reveler went out for a Christmas binge with some old mates. He admitted overdoing it, and when he got back to his digs he fell asleep slumped against the cold radiator.

While he slept, the central heating system turned on, and the hapless drunk slumbered for hours before being woken by searing pain in his left arm. The 21-year-old found his skin fused to the searing-hot radiator, and he had to painfully peel himself off.

An engineering student from Plymouth, Devon, took himself to a hospital where he received specialist burn treatment but is still carrying the scars of his ordeal. (Source)

6
The Fox News reporter who fell asleep during a live broadcast
The Fox News reporter who fell asleep during a live broadcast

During a Fox News segment to mark Super Tuesday in 2012, the presenter on duty was utterly flummoxed when he went live to the US capital only to find that his reporter had dozed off. For many Americans, Super Tuesday was an exciting, thrill-a-minute affair full of twists and turns. Not for reporter Doug Luzader however.

The Fox presenter said, “Well, Super Tuesday is in the rear-view mirror, and the results show a little something for everybody.
‘Doug Luzader is live on the scene with an update on all of this. Doug, good morning, good to see you. I guess six, three, one is pretty much the way it breaks down?’ It soon became clear from the broadcast picture that Luzader had in fact fallen asleep.

The presenter’s attempts to awaken him proved fruitless before he finally admitted defeat by saying “I guess not.” The broadcast did take place at 5:31 am local time, which could explain Luzader’s need for 40 winks.

Republican candidate Mitt Romney certainly wasn’t caught napping, as he managed to win the important Ohio vote as well as capturing some other vital states.

(Source)

7
The baggage handler who fell asleep in airplane cargo hold and woke up mid flight
The baggage handler who fell asleep in airplane cargo hold and woke up mid flight

In April 2015, a baggage handler for Alaska Airlines fell asleep in the cargo area of the plane and began yelling and pounding on the walls when he awoke.

The passengers and crew of Alaska Airlines Flight 448 bound for Los Angeles heard screams and banging noises coming from the cargo hold after takeoff. The passengers were told that the plane would return to the airport, and they would be informed of the reason later. The employee spent 14 minutes in the pressurized, climate controlled cargo hold and was taken to a local hospital when the plane landed. (Source)

8
The man who was found asleep on pile of stolen cash after a shop raid
The man who was found asleep on pile of stolen cash after a shop raid

A Dublin man was found asleep on a pile of stolen cash with his accomplice after an armed robbery of a pharmacy. Luke Curry, 25, held open the security door of the shop while his accomplice entered. The other man was masked and carrying a kitchen knife.

The staff in the pharmacy said they were in fear during the robbery, in which €400 was stolen. As a result of inquiries and a local tip-off later that day, police went to a house near the pharmacy. They looked through a window of the house and saw the two suspects sleeping on a couch.

Police entered the house and had to wake the men up. They found €275 of the stolen cash in a pile under where they were lying and arrested both men. Curry was too intoxicated to be interviewed, but later claimed he was in the pharmacy for innocent reasons. (Source)

9
The burglar who broke into a house and fell asleep on a couch during the robbery
The burglar who broke into a house and fell asleep on a couch during the robbery

If you thought that being caught sleeping after a robbery was bad timing, wait until you hear this story – police in Sarasota, Florida arrested a man that broke into a home and fell asleep on the couch.

In May 2015, a resident woke up and found 29-year-old Timothy Bontrager sleeping on her living room couch. When she asked Bontrager what he was doing in her house, he apologized and left after she told him she was calling police.

Bontrager had entered through an unlocked sliding glass door in the back of the house. The woman then noticed her wallet, driver’s license, credit and debit cards, as well as checks, were missing from the table in the living room.

The suspect was found walking along a nearby road. He was transported to the Sarasota County Jail without incident. (Source 1 | Source 2)

10
The drunk duo who were tossed into a garbage truck after falling asleep inside a dumpster
The drunk duo who were tossed into a garbage truck after falling asleep inside a dumpster

Talk about getting trashed. Two wasted people who fell asleep inside a Wawa dumpster in Tampa, Florida, after a rowdy night at a nearby casino, were tossed into the back of a garbage truck.

The shocked driver, who was starting his route when he heard yelling and banging on the back of his vehicle, pulled over about 5 a.m. and found Donald Jordan, 37, and Lisa Sirbella, 49, trapped in the back of his truck.

The boozy duo appeared “really intoxicated,” and were resting in the dumpster after hitting the slots, according to police. They were rescued by emergency responders and taken to Tampa General Hospital, where they were treated for back pain, the sheriff’s office said. They were not homeless, as cops initially believed. (Source)

10 Crazy Ways People Amused Themselves Before Television

Standard

10 Crazy Ways People Amused Themselves Before Television

filed under: Lists
LIKE US ON FACEBOOK

Before people had hundreds of channels, if they wanted to watch surgery or gawk at celebrity babies, they had to actually leave the house.

1. ATTENDING PUBLIC DISSECTIONS

Thanks to advances in science and the relaxing of church and government laws, the dissection of human corpses came back into vogue in the 1300s. At first these dissections were performed in small rooms or houses for the benefit of a handful for medical students. Then, almost overnight, a bored and apparently pretty morbid public started clamoring to attend them as well.

Specially designed “anatomy theatres” were purpose-built in many of the major European cities; most could seat well over 1,000 people. Tickets were sold to the public and the prices often varied based on how “interesting” that particular corpse was. The most expensive tickets sold in Hanover were 24 Groschen to see a woman who died while pregnant. The audiences were so excited about what they were watching that as early as 1502 a surgeon recommended having guards present at each dissection to “restrain the public as it enters.”

While most etchings from the period show only men at the viewings, women attended as well. In 1748, the crowds to see cadavers dissected at the theatre in Dresden, Germany were so large that they started having “ladies only” viewings, during which the women were invited to touch the corpses.

In many countries, these viewings only happened three or four times a year due to a lack of available bodies. In Bologna, Italy, dissections became fancy events, with women wearing their best clothes to the viewing, and balls or festivals followed in the evening.

Then in England in 1751, Parliament passed the Murder Act, allowing for all executed criminals to be publicly dissected. The increase in the number of public dissections did not diminish their popularity, and thousands of people continued to attend them each year until they were finally outlawed in the 1800s.

2. WATCHING PEOPLE INFLATE BALLOONS

Starting as early as the preparations for the first-ever hot air balloon flight in 1783, watching balloon ascents was incredibly popular, drawing some of the biggest crowds ever seen in Europe. Even the filling of the first balloon, which took numerous days, drew such huge crowds that they were in danger of interfering with the process, and the balloon had to be secretly moved the day before the flight. Benjamin Franklin, then the American Ambassador to the court of Louis XVI, was among the thousands of people who witnessed the first unmanned flight in Paris on August 27th. When the balloon came down in a village a few miles away, the locals were so terrified that they attacked it with pitchforks and rocks, destroying it.

The Montgolfier brothers sent the first living creatures (a goat, a duck, and a rooster) up in a balloon at Versailles in front of an enormous crowd that included the King and Marie Antoinette. The first ascents with humans drew upwards of 400,000 people, or “practically all the inhabitants of Paris,” with many of them paying large sums to be in special “VIP sections” close to the balloon.

The first hot air balloon flight in England was orchestrated by a man named Vincenzo Lunardi and drew a crowd of 200,000 people, including the Prince of Wales. One woman in the crowd was so astonished at the sight of the balloon that she supposedly died of fright and Lunardi was tried for her murder; he was eventually acquitted. George Washington was part of the crowd that viewed the first ballooning attempt in America in 1793.

Despite the overwhelming public interest in ballooning, it, like everything always will, had some detractors. Among their biggest fears were that women’s “honor and virtue would be in continual peril if access could be got by balloons at all hours to [their bedroom windows.]”

3. POKING PATIENTS WITH STICKS

If you were bored in the 1800s, you could always pop down to the local insane asylum to liven up your day. Many of these institutions allowed the public to pay a small to fee to walk around gawking at the residents. Most patients lived in what was basically squalor, and the liberties afforded to these head-case tourists did not make things any better.

The most famous mental hospital of all time is probably St. Mary Bethlehem, aka Bethlam Hospital, aka Bedlam. The bastardized version of its name is where we get the word for absolute craziness. And in the 1800s it was very crazy at Bedlam. Visitors paid a penny to look at the patients and if they were being too calm and docile for the visitor’s liking, they were allowed to poke the patients with sticks. Many people smuggled in beer and fed it to the patients, just to see how the mentally ill acted when drunk.

In 1814 over 96,000 people visited just that one hospital. Of course, not everyone had a penny to spare for entertainment, and the hospital management knew everyone should be able to poke powerless and mentally unwell individuals with sticks, so every first Tuesday of the month admittance was free.

4. RIDING ESCALATORS

Image credit: Brooklyn Museum

The first escalators completely blew people’s minds. Nothing remotely similar had ever been seen before. Jesse W. Reno patented his idea for an “Endless Conveyor or Elevator” (later called the “inclined elevator”) in 1892, and by 1896 the first working example had been installed…as a ride at the popular Coney Island amusement park.

It differed from modern elevators in that you sat on slats rather than stood on stairs, but the general principle was the same. The belt moved the riders up about two stories at a 25 degree incline. It was only displayed at the park for two weeks, but in that short time an astonishing 75,000 people rode it.

The same prototype was moved to the Brooklyn Bridge for a month-long trial period. It remained popular there, and in 1900 was shipped to Europe and displayed at the Paris Exposition Universelle, where it won first prize. Shortly thereafter, the Otis Company bought Reno’s patent and started producing escalators for businesses.

The novelty and excitement of riding an escalator was such that in 1897, the first department store in New York City to install one, Frederick Loeser, actually included it in its advertisements, promising customers that they could reach the second floor in a mere 26 seconds!

But while these escalators were very popular, they all had something in common: They only went up. It took the public and businesses almost three decades to accept that the far more frightening down escalators were safe to use.

5. STARING AT QUINTUPLETS

At the time of the Dionne Quintuplets’ birth in 1934, in Ontario, Canada, no one even knew conceiving five babies at once was possible. Not only was it possible, but babies Yvonne, Annette, Cecile, Emilie, and Marie thrived despite being delivered two months premature. Their existence was so astonishing that newspapers paid huge sums for photos of them. A year later their father signed a lucrative contract to display the girls at the 1935 Chicago World’s Fair.

The Canadian government stepped in, claiming that their parents were obviously not fit to raise the quints if they were willing to exploit them like that. The Canadian parliament quickly passed a bill making the girls wards of the state. The quints were placed in a hospital/nursery directly across the street from their parents, where the Canadian and Ontario government proceeded to exploit the girls themselves, to an astonishing degree.

© Bettmann/CORBIS

In less than a decade, 3 million people, sometimes upwards of 3,000 a day, passed through “Quintland,” as the compound the girls were held in became known. This was at a time when the entire population of Canada was only around 11 million. Visitors viewed the quints playing, eating, and sleeping through special one-way windows. The quints were by far the most popular tourist attraction in Canada, drawing more visitors than Niagara Falls. It is estimated that the girls’ popularity directly contributed half a billion dollars to the Ontario economy in just nine years. Celebrities flocked to see them as well, including Amelia Earhart, Clark Gable, James Stewart, Bette Davis, James Cagney, Mae West, and the future Queen Elizabeth II.

And in case any particularly sharp readers are saying to themselves, “Surely televisions have been commercially available since the late 1920s,” don’t worry. Canada didn’t start broadcasts until 1952, nine years after Quintland closed. By that time, the girls had been returned to their family.

6. MUMMY UNWRAPPINGS

Mummies have always been a source of fascination, especially to the English. One of Charles II’s mistresses, Nell Gwyn, supposedly owned a mummy way back in the 1660s. But it was 200 years later when the Victorians really went crazy for Egyptian mummies.

Egypt became a popular tourist destination and one of the must-have souvenirs was your very own mummy. No one is quite sure when it started, but at some point the owners of these mummies got curious about what exactly was inside the dusty wrappings. And if they were going to find out, why not invite all their friends over as well? And serve food and drinks! Eventually, the mummy unwrapping party was born. Some of these events were more scholarly than others, but there is evidence that dozens of parties had as their after dinner entertainment rather botched amateur unwrappings, after which the body and wrappings were just thrown away. Hundreds of mummies are estimated to have been lost in this manner.

Due to an export ban in the 1830s, mummies were much rarer in America than in Europe. Their unwrappings were huge events and advertised in the papers, although usually only men were allowed to attend, as the subject was “deemed inappropriate for women and children.” One famous unwrapping promised to include an Egyptian princess. The chance to see royalty, even long dead royalty, led to a crowd of 2,000 people, all of whom were shocked to eventually see the “princess’s” mummified penis.

7. PUBLIC EXECUTIONS

Public executions were quite possibly the most attended events in history. Almost every country publicly killed convicts at some point, and everyone from little children to royalty showed up to watch.

The crowds that turned out, especially if the condemned was infamous by the time they were put to death, could be enormous. In 1746, the hanging of a Protestant pastor in Paris drew 40,000 people. The hanging of a man and woman in London, who had together killed a man, drew 50,000 people in 1849. The last hanging of a forger in England, in 1824, drew over 100,000 people, the largest crowd ever assembled for an execution in the UK. To put those numbers in perspective, the recent Super Bowl in New Jersey was held in a stadium that seats about 80,000 people.

While these executions were ostensibly a lesson to the crowd (“don’t do bad things”), in reality they were a grisly entertainment venue, illustrated by the fact that people often paid huge sums to be as close to the scaffold as possible. Ballads and short (heavily embellished) histories of the condemned and their crimes were sold to the crowds, along with food and drink from vendors. Every aspect of popular executions was covered in the papers; ladies in high society often discussed at length the pros and cons of the outfits condemned women chose to wear to their deaths.

The executions themselves could last hours from start to finish, with the condemned often driven in a cart through throngs of onlookers, as if he or she was on a parade float. Sometimes they stopped off at pubs along the way, where the giddy public got many a condemned man drunk before his ultimate demise.

8. MILITARY BATTLES

What better way to enjoy a lovely day than with a picnic? And if your country happens to be in the middle of a war at that moment, and a battle is happening just down the street, well, you‘ve got yourself some free entertainment to go with your sandwiches.

When wars were fought in fields with weapons whose range was short, people regularly turned out to enjoy the spectacle. There are unsubstantiated accounts of this occurring during the Battle of Bosworth and various battles of the English Civil War. But perhaps the best war for picnicking was the American Civil War.

The Battle of Memphis was only 90 minutes long, but 10,000 people turned out on the cliffs overlooking the Mississippi to watch the ships fight in the river below. Even a Confederate loss didn’t dampen the festive mood. That was not the case during the First Battle of Bull Run. The people of Washington had expected an easy victory for their side and the fashionable elite of the city, including numerous congressmen, grabbed their picnic baskets and their children and settled down for an afternoon of bloody entertainment. When the Union army retreated in defeat, the panicked picnickers fled, blocking the streets back to Washington.

9. TAKING X-RAYS

Today X-rays may evoke bad feelings, associated as they are with hospitals and being unwell. But when they were first discovered in the 1890s, people went mad for this new technology. Here was a cheap, seemingly safe technique to actually look inside people! It was unlike anything that had ever been seen before. Even the name was sexy; “X-rays” sounded futuristic and mysterious.

Since the basic setup needed to make X-rays was both small and cheap, they started showing up in the oddest of places. Thousands of “Bone Portrait” studios sprang up, where photographers calling themselves “skiagraphers” specialized in taking X-ray photographs. These were especially popular with newly engaged couples. X-ray slot machines appeared in major tourist destinations, where for the cost of a coin you could stare at the inside of your hand for a minute.

Perhaps the oddest use was in shoe shops. In 1927, a device called a “fluoroscope,” or the retrospectively creepier “pedoscope,” started showing up in all good department stores. It X-rayed your feet while you tried on different pairs of shoes. This allowed you to see how different fits affected the bone structure of your feet, ensuring you bought the perfect size.

X-ray equipment was so easily obtainable and popular that a trade even sprang up in lead-lined underwear so that one could save one’s modesty from all the creepy Peeping Toms that people assumed were now walking the streets.

10. TAKING SELFIES

Some things never change.

While there were different versions of photo booths starting in the late 1800s, they didn’t produce great pictures. The beginning of the modern photo booth is usually traced to one man, a Russian immigrant named Anatol Josepho. He trained as a photographer in Europe and after a spell in Hollywood learning the mechanics of cameras, he moved to New York City. There he managed to borrow the astonishing sum of $11,000 to make his first photo booth. It produced clear pictures and could run completely on its own. He opened a studio on Broadway in 1925, put the photo booth inside, and sat back to watch the money roll in.

For 25 cents, customers were led to the box by a “white-gloved attendant,” who would then direct them to “look to the right, look to the left, look at the camera.” Then after about ten minutes, the booth spit out eight photos and the customers went away happy. They probably told all their friends to check it out — and check it out they did. Soon, the line to the studio was stretching around the block, and up to 7,500 people a day used the machine. According to the April 1927 issue of TIME, more than 280,000 people visited the photo booth in the first six months alone, including the Governor of New York and at least one Senator.

Within a year, Josepho was astonishingly wealthy and dating a famous silent film actress. Then a consortium of investors offered to buy his patent for $1 million. He accepted the deal, and immediately put half of that money into a trust for various charities. He invested the other half in several inventions.

Imitation photo booth studios popped up around the US and Europe, and even the Great Depression didn’t diminish people’s desire to look at pictures of themselves. One shop owner in NYC was so busy he managed to keep his entire extended family employed for the entire Depression.

This post originally appeared in 2012.

weird wacky and way out- check out my humorous blog

Standard

 tumblr_n8z6kwh3hn1rfpmgmo5_5001 (1)

want some laughter?

-people-clipart-2

weird news?

this blog has it

 https://tilliespuncturedromance.wordpress.com  

has it plus more

125407-You-Can-t

Q: Why do Scottish people wear kilts? A: Sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes. One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, “Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?” His friend replies, “Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?”

Q: If a plane crashed on the Canada/USA border, where would the survivors be buried?
A: You don’t bury survivors.

Q: Why were the Indians here first?
A: They had reservations.

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?” The preacher calmly said “No, God will save me.” A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?” The preacher replied again, “No God will save me.” Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?” God replied, “Fool, I sent you two boats!”

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knockin’! There’s no paper on this side either!”

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.” So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?” “Blind man!” The nuns look at each other and one nun says, “He’s blind, so he can’t see. What could it hurt?” They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!” A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'” The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.” The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.” He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”

imxsxcages

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!” A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'” The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.” The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.” He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. “Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.” The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. “Oh, God!” she exclaims. “Take me with you!” The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise. “Ha, ha!” he says, “I’m the man from the bus!” “Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume, “I’m the bus driver!”

A little boy wants a bike for Christmas really badly, but the kid is a real bad seed, and he knows it. He writes a letter to Jesus. “Dear Jesus, if I get a bike for Christmas, I’ll be good for a whole week.” He thinks about it, crosses out what he wrote, and says, “I can’t be good for a whole week, I’ll be good for five days.” He crosses that out and writes, “I’ll be good for four days.” Then he thinks again and says, “Can’t do that.” He gets down to one day and says, “I can’t even be good for a day.” Then in frustration, goes in his mother’s room and get the statue of the Virgin Mary, wraps it up in a blanket, puts it in a paper bag, throws it in the closet and says, “Dear Jesus, if I don’t get a bike for Christmas, you’ll never see your mother again!”

 

cv6754

Three guys are at the gates of Heaven, and God tells them, “We have a special today! If you died a terrible death, you’re in for free.” So God asks the first guy his story. “I was a hard working man and a loving husband, but I began to suspect that my wife was cheating on me. One day, I called in sick to work and left for home to hide and closely watch my apartment. I saw a man go in, and I decided to wait a few minutes to catch them in the act. Then, I started banging on my door. They wouldn’t open it, so I broke down the door and walked in to see my wife sitting naked, but the man wasn’t in sight. I went to the balcony, where I saw a naked man hanging on the edge. I began to stomp on his hands until he fell down, but there were bushes, so I got my fridge and tossed it on him. In the process of tossing the fridge, I also fell over and died.” God replies, “Wow, that’s pretty bad, finding out your wife cheated and falling off your balcony. You pass.” The second guy says, “God, my only crime was that I enjoyed dancing naked in my apartment while eating pickles out of the jar. I was doing just that one day, when I slipped on a pickle and fell over my balcony. Luckily, I was able to grab on to the ledge below mine. After a few minutes, a man came and I thought he was going to rescue me, but he began to stomp on my hands. I fell, but luckily, I fell into the bushes. I thought I had survived, but that man threw a fridge at me and I died!” God replies, “Wow, that’s very cruel, being crushed to death.” The third man says, “I died naked in a fridge.”

Three guys are at the gates of Heaven, and God tells them, “We have a special today! If you died a terrible death, you’re in for free.” So God asks the first guy his story. “I was a hard working man and a loving husband, but I began to suspect that my wife was cheating on me. One day, I called in sick to work and left for home to hide and closely watch my apartment. I saw a man go in, and I decided to wait a few minutes to catch them in the act. Then, I started banging on my door. They wouldn’t open it, so I broke down the door and walked in to see my wife sitting naked, but the man wasn’t in sight. I went to the balcony, where I saw a naked man hanging on the edge. I began to stomp on his hands until he fell down, but there were bushes, so I got my fridge and tossed it on him. In the process of tossing the fridge, I also fell over and died.” God replies, “Wow, that’s pretty bad, finding out your wife cheated and falling off your balcony. You pass.” The second guy says, “God, my only crime was that I enjoyed dancing naked in my apartment while eating pickles out of the jar. I was doing just that one day, when I slipped on a pickle and fell over my balcony. Luckily, I was able to grab on to the ledge below mine. After a few minutes, a man came and I thought he was going to rescue me, but he began to stomp on my hands. I fell, but luckily, I fell into the bushes. I thought I had survived, but that man threw a fridge at me and I died!” God replies, “Wow, that’s very cruel, being crushed to death.” The third man says, “I died naked in a fridge.”

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs, “I didn’t recognize you.”

543374_425133514217298_2133184937_n

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

A husband and wife are in church. The preacher notices that the husband has fallen asleep and says to the wife, “Wake your husband up!” The wife answers, “You’re the one who made him fall asleep, you wake him up!”

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson’s Nails. “Give me a week,” says the friend, “and I’ll be back with a tape.” A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, “Use Wilson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.” Wilson goes mad, shouting, “What is the matter with you? They’ll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!” Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, “Wilson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.” Wilson is beside himself. “You don’t understand. I don’t want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I’ll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast.” A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, “If only we had used Wilson’s Nails!”

Two nuns were riding their bicycles down the street. The first nun says, “I’ve never came this way before.” The second nun says, “Yeah, it’s the cobblestones!”

Two nuns were riding their bicycles down the street. The first nun says, “I’ve never came this way before.” The second nun says, “Yeah, it’s the cobblestones!”

Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal?
A: His goal: transcend dental medication.

A man walks into the ladies department of Macy’s, walks up to the woman behind the counter and says, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.” “What type of bra?” asks the clerk. “Type?” inquires the man. “There is more than one type?” “Look around,” says the saleslady, as she shows a sea of bras in every shape, size, color, and material. “Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,” replies the salesclerk. Confused, the man asks what the types are. The saleslady replies, “The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?” Still confused, the man asks, “What is the difference between them?” The lady responds, “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

catgif1

A man walks into the ladies department of Macy’s, walks up to the woman behind the counter and says, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.” “What type of bra?” asks the clerk. “Type?” inquires the man. “There is more than one type?” “Look around,” says the saleslady, as she shows a sea of bras in every shape, size, color, and material. “Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,” replies the salesclerk. Confused, the man asks what the types are. The saleslady replies, “The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?” Still confused, the man asks, “What is the difference between them?” The lady responds, “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 29? Because 30 is too many!

When Paddy’s dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn’t do services like that for animals. Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, “Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog’s funeral?” The preacher relied, “Dearest Paddy, why didn’t you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?”

Q: Why did all the hippies go to church on the first day of Lent? A: They heard it was “Hash Wednesday.”

643901_424492064281443_1616526253_n

Q: How does Moses make his tea?
A: Hebrews it.

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia who stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog?

AUSTRALIANS DEAN AND EDUARD NITZ LAY CLAIM TO ‘WORLD’S OLDEST BURGER

768883-a4f00b82-b5aa-11e4-a05f-87b0515cbaed

Mmm…..Casey Dean and Eduard Nitz have waited 20 years to taste this burger. Source: Channel 10

ONCE upon a time in Adelaide, Casey Dean, 14, and his good mate Eduard Nitz, 13, stopped off at their local McDonald’s to pick up some burgers. Among them was a Quarter Pounder with cheese they’d bought for another kid. That kid never turned up, but they didn’t eat his burger. Ever.

That was back in 1995. The boys have become men and the burger has turned 20 and to celebrate, Mr Dean and Mr Nitz are going to reveal it to the world for the first time with an appearance on The Project tonight.

To bite or not to bite? Casey Dean and Eduard Nitz have pondered this question for two de

To bite or not to bite? Casey Dean and Eduard Nitz have pondered this question for two decades. Source: Channel 10

“We’re pretty sure it’s the oldest burger in the world,” Mr Dean said.

“It started off as a joke, you know we told our friend we’d hold his burger for him but he never turned up and before we knew it six months had passed. The months became years and now, 20 years later, it looks the same as it did the day we bought it, perfectly preserved in its original wrapping.”

SO IF YOU LIKE THIS BLOG GIVE IT A LOOK AND GIVE IT A “LIKE”

Three Grandmas Smoke Weed For The First Time And It’s Hilarious

Standard
Three Grandmas Smoke Weed For The First Time And It’s Hilarious

Three Grandmas Smoke Weed For The First Time And It’s Hilarious

If you’ve ever wondered what 3 grandmas high on weed might look like, look no further! Paula, Dorothea and Deirdre had never tried weed before, but the Cut Video Youtube channel gathered them together in Washington state, where recreational marijuana use…