Many New Yorkers’ worst fears came to pass on Saturday when an elderly man perpetrated a dildo attack on a subway car full of unsuspecting passengers.
According to eyewitness Aymann Ismail, around 9 p.m. the penile terrorist, who appeared to be having a fairly good time already, boarded the train and whipped it out for some young men trying to take selfies with him:
An older man of indeterminate ethnic origin [but probably East Asian?] boarded the train at Atlantic Avenue; the man seemed “fucked up on some kind of drug,” loose-limbed and sloppy. Some young men sitting next to him began making fun of him. One of the dudes took out his phone to snap a selfie with the older guy. At that point, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a massive dildo. The young guys and other people nearby ran away, laughing.
Perhaps emboldened by this validation, he continued brandishing the large, flexible, black dildo:
The man then started waving the big black dong around, pointing it at people and pretending to jerk it off. The man also kept standing up and clenching his butt cheeks.
Finally, he developed a more advanced protocol to maximize the delight inflicted on each new wave of incoming train friends:
Every time the train pulled into a station, he’d put the dildo away, sit quietly, let people board, then whip it out and wave it around, startling the new passengers.
“It honestly doesn’t look like any dildo I’ve ever seen,” noted Animal’s house sex toy expert. Spooky.
While I don’t feel qualified to comment on the dildo’s potentially extraterrestrial origins, my extensive psychonautic background leads me to conclude that Dr. Dong here was shrooming his face off. There’s only one substance on this planet that produces just such a combination of feral giggling, sly strategizing, and generous desire to include those around you in your beautifully hilarious–if tragically ephemeral–world. Compare his stance and expression to that of an associate of mine after ingesting a known dose of psilocybin. In this man’s mind, he’s a wise elf on a journey to Arcadia, armed with only a magic snake to protect him.
God speed you, fair elf lord. May your quest be ever fruitful and may you not end up in central booking.
[Animal New York | Photo and GIF: Aymann Ismail]