Tag Archives: humor

best ever metaphors and analogies



coffee shop


Best Ever Metaphors and Analogies 
(as taken from high school English papers)

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

  1. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
    underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
  2. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
    guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
    those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
    speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse
    without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

  3. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
    room-temperature Canadian beef.


  1. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
    just before it throws up.
  • Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

  • He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

  • The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
    because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge
    at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

  • The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
    bowling ball wouldn’t.

  • McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
    filled with vegetable soup.


    1. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
      eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and
      Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
  • Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

  • The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
    fry them in hot grease.

  • gif2

    1. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
      the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
      left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
      at 4:19 p.m., at a speed of 35 mph.
  • They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
    that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

  • John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
    also had never met.

  • gif2

    1. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the
      East River.
  • Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap,
    only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

  • Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

  • The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
    this plan just might work.

  • elvis

    1. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
      eating for a while.
  • He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
    but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land
    mine or something.

  • The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender
    leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

  • It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
    power tools.

  • hippie

    1. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
      as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
  • Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in
    any pH cleanser.

  • She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

  • It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it
    to the wall

  • beat1

    “Brother, [If I Make You Laugh] Can You Spare a Dime?”


    “Brother, [If I Make You Laugh] Can You Spare a Dime?”

    Though homelessness is no laughing matter, consider comedian Chris Rock’s spoken-word song No Sex (In the Champagne Room):

    “If a homeless person has a funny sign,
    He hasn’t been homeless that long.
    A real homeless person is too hungry to be funny.”

    To wit:

    1. Cut the guy some slack, you know what he means.


    2. This guy’s brave, that’s all we can say.



    3. Albus Dumbledore Outed, Fired as Headmaster at Prestigious Hogwarts, Last Seen Panhandling in Kingston upon Thames


    4. Gotta love the enthusiasm.


    5. Translation? “My life’s amok. It really sucks.”


    6. Working hard or hardly working?


    7. Had Jerry Garcia been tone-deaf.


    8. When you wish upon a star…


    9.  Makes no bones about it, does he?


    10. If you could just channel some of that creativity…



    AMERICANA -Top 10 Foods Only America Could Have Invented


    Top 10 Foods Only America Could Have Invented


    The American could have excelled in many other ways and fields. They may very well be the best nations in the world but frankly speaking when it is about the foodies and the food that is being served, American stands no place to certain other nations. The Americans cannot actually boast of a single cuisine or some kind of food that is completely theirs. Most of the recipes are from some other land. Nevertheless, America is also known for some of the greatest experiments with foods. There are certain cheesy and wheezy food items that can only be created by the people of America. So, We are going to enlist up the top 10 food only America could have invented.

    1. Corn Dog

    Corn Dog

    There is no doubt of the fact that Americans are very good innovators. Thai is very well proved when a man named Neil Fletcher, came up with his brand new idea of smearing up the hot dog with some cornflower and then frying them deep. This gave the hot dog the look of rich Gold, enough to attract the eyes of the people and at the same time feeding them the same hot dog with a layer of corn on it. According to the Americans, it is something that is quite good but hey after all it is a Hot Dog and the main credit is of somebody else.

    2. Philly Cheese steak

    Philly Cheese steak

    This is yet another food that we would surely want the Americans to take the credit for it. The Philly Cheese steak is a combination of all the things that are surely going to change you over to some bulky fellow provided you take this thing every day without fail. It is prepared with the meat with the highest possible content of fats in it. To add to it, there is a hell lot of Cheese to counter. Whatever it may be, the Philly Cheese steak does taste great and the people of Philadelphia are proud of it!

    3. Chinese Food

    Chinese Food

    The most interesting thing is that the Americans also have the quality to design a food that is literally not of somebody but named after that country. In any case, all the Chinese food that we know of is the modified version of some simple noodles that the Chinese have. However, the Americans have had the time and pleasure to give it a complete makeover and have made it their own. Anyways, As far As I have known, the people from the east are more in favor of Rice cakes that Hakka noodles.

    4. S’mores

    S’mores: Top 10 Foods only America could Have Invented

    If you g take a look at it, you will surely wonder that what is actually the fuss about s’mores. This is nothing but a food that is extremely deep-fried near about burnt and then some kind of a cream are applied over it to decorate. I do not understand what is there that makes it so very much famous but s’mores are some hit amidst the American people. Most of the foreign people find it extremely difficult to understand the reason behind the eating and liking fors’mores but it is as it is!

    5. Reuben Sandwich

    Reuben Sandwich

    This is by far one of the most beautiful looking dishes that the Americans are given the credit for the invention. This thing surely looks like some sort of a dish prepared by some international chef but hey this solely belongs to America. What is not there in this dish? It has Chocolate, Strawberry flavor to the best possible extent, some sort of Orange flavor and some cheese as well. This unique blend of colors and taste is rarely found in any other American dish!

     6. Cobb Salad

    Cobb Salad

    This Salad will completely make you realize that why the majority of the fat people belong to the land of America only. The Americans seem to have a tendency to put in everything in the middle of Cheese and all sorts of Fatty stuffs. In general, what do we refer to as Salad? Something that is healthy and delicious at the same time but here in this case, the Cobb Salad is that stuffed salad that will fill in the entire space that you have. To add to that, it will surely lend you the most undesired body weight that you can even imagine to have in your lifetime! In spite of all this, the Cob salad is one of the most favored dishes to the Americans.

    7. Baked Alaska

    Baked Alaska

    I seriously do not have any Idea what is so great on this thing. This thing looks utterly fat and disgusting to me but make sure that you do not say this to any American. The Baked Alaska is something that no great chef has ever dreamt of it. It is actually a dessert. A Pie has been baked. I am personally a huge fan of Pie and I do not wish to have a pie that is baked but the people of America love it. Obviously, they have created it.

    8. Buffalo Wings

    Buffalo Wings

    I am a huge fan of the Chicken wings that they serve as KFC counters but it is good till chicken. Firstly, it is illegal to kill a Buffalo in here and secondly, I am not in favor of eating such a huge animal But is seems that the Americans love it. The Buffalo wings are kind of Chicken wings with the meat that belongs to a chicken. They love it being served hot and steamy with some cheese. Meat and cheese is yet another combination that is 100 percent pure Americans.

    9. Turducken


    The Name is in itself the acronym for the things that are in the recipe for the food. The Turducken is one of the healthiest foods ever credited to the Americans and yet it surely has some great features. There is no doubt of the fact that the Turdumcken is a quite interesting but let me tell you, the blend of Turkey with a duck stuffing plus mashed chicken with deep fried is absolutely fantastic to eat. All you need is a simple layer of cheese. It is ready to be devoured.

    10. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream

    Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream

    This is an Ice cream of sorts and yet at the same time it has many things that will help the cause of your hunger in the mean time. This is buttery and has a great taste to it considering the fact that there are stuffing’s like cookies and all in it. Originally, this is somebody else’s idea but the Americans have actually devised a great way to ensure that it is better that the original one!


    20 One Liners That Are ACTUALLY Good


    20 One Liners That Are ACTUALLY Good

    on 1 June, 2016 at 3:16 pm

    We’re too good for knock knock jokes, but sometimes nothing beats a great one liner. I guarantee you, at least one of these will make you laugh. If you’re a dad looking to restock on new material or someone just looking for some cheering up these one liners will see you through. This list is populated from the best one-liners from this Reddit thread. Check out the entire thread for some more gems that didn’t quite make the cut.

    1. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

    2. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

    3. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off

    4. My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.

    5. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?About half way.

    6. A man in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard..

    7. I, for one, like Roman numerals.

    8. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

    9. Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

    10. There is no “i” in denial

    11. I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.

    12. You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

    13. What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

    14. You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

    15. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.

    16. I didn’t believe my dad was a construction site thief until I got home. All the signs were there.

    17. And The Lord said come forth and receive eternal life. But john came fifth and won a toaster.

    18. I have a stepladder, because my real ladder left when I was a kid.

    19. Why are deer nuts better than beer nuts? Beer nuts cost $1.50 but deer nuts are under a buck.

    20. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither, the rooster did

    repost -60 Dumbest Celebrity Quotes

    60 Dumbest Celebrity Quotes
    Published on 5/4/2007

    Famous funny, dumb and stupid celebrity quotes:

    • «Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.»

      – Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign. One of the worst celebrity quotes ever.

    • «If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.»

      – Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

    • «So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?»

      Christina Aguilera

    • «Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.»
      – Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel
    • «I’m convinced the Beatles are partly responsible for the fall of Communism.»
      – Milos Forman, Film director
    • «When I’m a blonde, I can say the world is purple, and they’ll believe me because they weren’t listening to me.»
      – Kylie Bax, Model/Actress, in Stuff magazine.
    • «The internet is a great way to get on the net.»
      – Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate
    • «You guys, line up alphabetically by height.»
      – Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
    • «I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.»
      – Britney Spears, on Blender Magazine (April 2004)
    • «I think war is a dangerous place.»
      – George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. (May 7, 2003)
    • «I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.»
      – Greg Norman, Golfer
    • «It’s nice, it gives you a feeling of security so that if something breaks we know we can always call a guy over and he’ll bring a drill or something.»
      – Brooke Shields, Actress, on why it was is good to live in a co-ed dormitory when she was in college
    • «Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.»
      – Gyrator, Chicago Rotary Club journal
    • «These people haven’t seen the last of my face. If I go down, I’m going down standing up.»
      – Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player
    • «I’m so smart now. Everyone’s always like ‘take your top off’. Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I’m not stupid.»
      – Paris Hilton (December 2003)

      • «I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman»

        – Arnold Schwarzenegger

      • «Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.»

        – Mariah Carey, pop singer

      • «Predictions are difficult. Especially about the future.»

        – Yogi Berra, Baseball player

    • «My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.»
      – Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice.
    • «The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.»
      – Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President
    • «And now the sequence of events in no particular order.»
      – Dan Rather, television news anchor
    • «Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.»
      – George W Bush, Austin, Texas, Dec. 20, 2000
    • «The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.»
      – Dizzy Dean, explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.
    • «I was in a no-win situation, so I’m glad that I won rather than lost.»
      – Frank Bruno, Boxer
    • «I have opinions of my own –strong opinions– but I don’t always agree with them.»
      – George Bush
    • «I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.»
      – George Rogers, NFL New Orleans Saint RB, when asked about the upcoming season
    • «I do not like this word “bomb.” It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding.»
      – Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons
    • «The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.»
      – Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst
    • «Half this game is ninety percent mental.»
      – Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager
    • «Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it.»
      – Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant.

      • «If I sold all my liabilities, I wouldn’t own anything. My wife’s a liability, my kids are liabilities, and I haven’t sold them.»

        – Ted Turner, media mogul, on selling off his money losing properties

      • «They misunderestimated me.»

        – George W Bush, Bentonville, Ark., (Nov. 6, 2000)

      • «I don’t diet. I just don’t eat as much as I’d like to.»

        – Linda Evangelista, Supermodel

    • «Facts are stupid things.»
      – Ronald Reagan, Former U.S. President
    • «What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.»
      – Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President
    • «That’s just the tip of the ice cube.»
      – Neil Hamilton, BBC2
    • «A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.»
      – Samuel Goldwyn
    • «I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid.»
      – Terry Bradshaw, Former football player/announcer
    • «It isn’t pollution that is hurting the environment, it’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.»
      – Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President
    • «I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.»
      – Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
    • «The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can’t change. After I die, I’ll probably come back as a paintbrush.»
      – Sylvestor Stallone, Actor
    • «Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.»
      – Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
    • «We are not ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.»
      – Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President
    • «Will the highways on the internet become more few?»
      – George W Bush, Concord, New Hampshire, (29th January 2000)
    • «Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.»
      – Keppel Enderbery, Former Australian cabinet minister

      • «There is certainly more in the future now than back in 1964.»

        – Roger Daltrey, Singer/Actor

      • «We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.»

        – Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

      • «I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.»

        — Britney Spears

    • «Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding.»
      – Mickey Rivers, baseball player
    • «I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.»
      – Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President
    • «Put the ‘off’ button on.»
      – George W. Bush, Associated Press, 14th February 2000
    • «So Carol, you’re a housewife and mother. And have you got any children?»
      – Michael Barrymore
    • «Food is an important part of a balanced diet.»
      – Fran Lebowitz, US writer
    • «We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?»
      – Lee Iacocca, Chairman of the Chrysler corporation
    • «For NASA, space is still a high priority.»
      – Dan Quayle
    • «He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.»
      – Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer
    • «If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.»
      – George Gobel
    • «If only faces could talk…»
      – Pat Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl
    • «Every minute was more exciting than the next.»
      – Linda Evans, actress
    • «I’m not anorexic. I’m from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I’ve never heard of one. And that includes me.»
      — Jessica Simpson

    Bill Murray on being obnoxious


    Bill Murray on being obnoxious


    #ana_christy #beatnikhiway.com#bill_murray



    “I‘m just an obnoxious guy who can make it appear charming, that’s what they pay me to do,” said Bill Murray in an interview with T.J. English for Irish America . In an episode of PBS Digital Studios’ “Blank on Blank,” Murray cracks wise on giving back to his mom when he made it big, hijinks on the set of Ghostbusters, the spiritual change that saved him from destruction, and how fame sort of helps with talking to women.