Tag Archives: humor

20 One Liners That Are ACTUALLY Good

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Kennedy-Laughing

20 One Liners That Are ACTUALLY Good

on 1 June, 2016 at 3:16 pm

We’re too good for knock knock jokes, but sometimes nothing beats a great one liner. I guarantee you, at least one of these will make you laugh. If you’re a dad looking to restock on new material or someone just looking for some cheering up these one liners will see you through. This list is populated from the best one-liners from this Reddit thread. Check out the entire thread for some more gems that didn’t quite make the cut.

1. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

2. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

3. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off

4. My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.

5. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?About half way.

6. A man in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard..

7. I, for one, like Roman numerals.

8. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

9. Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

10. There is no “i” in denial

11. I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.

12. You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

13. What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire.

14. You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

15. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.

16. I didn’t believe my dad was a construction site thief until I got home. All the signs were there.

17. And The Lord said come forth and receive eternal life. But john came fifth and won a toaster.

18. I have a stepladder, because my real ladder left when I was a kid.

19. Why are deer nuts better than beer nuts? Beer nuts cost $1.50 but deer nuts are under a buck.

20. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither, the rooster did

repost -60 Dumbest Celebrity Quotes

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60 Dumbest Celebrity Quotes
Published on 5/4/2007

Famous funny, dumb and stupid celebrity quotes:

  • «Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.»

    – Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign. One of the worst celebrity quotes ever.

  • «If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.»

    – Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

  • «So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?»

    Christina Aguilera

  • «Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.»
    – Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel
  • «I’m convinced the Beatles are partly responsible for the fall of Communism.»
    – Milos Forman, Film director
  • «When I’m a blonde, I can say the world is purple, and they’ll believe me because they weren’t listening to me.»
    – Kylie Bax, Model/Actress, in Stuff magazine.
  • «The internet is a great way to get on the net.»
    – Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate
  • «You guys, line up alphabetically by height.»
    – Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
  • «I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.»
    – Britney Spears, on Blender Magazine (April 2004)
  • «I think war is a dangerous place.»
    – George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. (May 7, 2003)
  • «I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.»
    – Greg Norman, Golfer
  • «It’s nice, it gives you a feeling of security so that if something breaks we know we can always call a guy over and he’ll bring a drill or something.»
    – Brooke Shields, Actress, on why it was is good to live in a co-ed dormitory when she was in college
  • «Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.»
    – Gyrator, Chicago Rotary Club journal
  • «These people haven’t seen the last of my face. If I go down, I’m going down standing up.»
    – Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player
  • «I’m so smart now. Everyone’s always like ‘take your top off’. Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I’m not stupid.»
    – Paris Hilton (December 2003)

    • «I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman»

      – Arnold Schwarzenegger

    • «Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.»

      – Mariah Carey, pop singer

    • «Predictions are difficult. Especially about the future.»

      – Yogi Berra, Baseball player

  • «My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.»
    – Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice.
  • «The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.»
    – Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President
  • «And now the sequence of events in no particular order.»
    – Dan Rather, television news anchor
  • «Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.»
    – George W Bush, Austin, Texas, Dec. 20, 2000
  • «The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.»
    – Dizzy Dean, explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.
  • «I was in a no-win situation, so I’m glad that I won rather than lost.»
    – Frank Bruno, Boxer
  • «I have opinions of my own –strong opinions– but I don’t always agree with them.»
    – George Bush
  • «I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.»
    – George Rogers, NFL New Orleans Saint RB, when asked about the upcoming season
  • «I do not like this word “bomb.” It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding.»
    – Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons
  • «The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.»
    – Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst
  • «Half this game is ninety percent mental.»
    – Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager
  • «Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it.»
    – Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant.

    • «If I sold all my liabilities, I wouldn’t own anything. My wife’s a liability, my kids are liabilities, and I haven’t sold them.»

      – Ted Turner, media mogul, on selling off his money losing properties

    • «They misunderestimated me.»

      – George W Bush, Bentonville, Ark., (Nov. 6, 2000)

    • «I don’t diet. I just don’t eat as much as I’d like to.»

      – Linda Evangelista, Supermodel

  • «Facts are stupid things.»
    – Ronald Reagan, Former U.S. President
  • «What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.»
    – Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President
  • «That’s just the tip of the ice cube.»
    – Neil Hamilton, BBC2
  • «A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.»
    – Samuel Goldwyn
  • «I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid.»
    – Terry Bradshaw, Former football player/announcer
  • «It isn’t pollution that is hurting the environment, it’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.»
    – Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President
  • «I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.»
    – Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
  • «The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can’t change. After I die, I’ll probably come back as a paintbrush.»
    – Sylvestor Stallone, Actor
  • «Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.»
    – Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
  • «We are not ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.»
    – Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President
  • «Will the highways on the internet become more few?»
    – George W Bush, Concord, New Hampshire, (29th January 2000)
  • «Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.»
    – Keppel Enderbery, Former Australian cabinet minister

    • «There is certainly more in the future now than back in 1964.»

      – Roger Daltrey, Singer/Actor

    • «We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.»

      – Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

    • «I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.»

      — Britney Spears

  • «Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding.»
    – Mickey Rivers, baseball player
  • «I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.»
    – Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President
  • «Put the ‘off’ button on.»
    – George W. Bush, Associated Press, 14th February 2000
  • «So Carol, you’re a housewife and mother. And have you got any children?»
    – Michael Barrymore
  • «Food is an important part of a balanced diet.»
    – Fran Lebowitz, US writer
  • «We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?»
    – Lee Iacocca, Chairman of the Chrysler corporation
  • «For NASA, space is still a high priority.»
    – Dan Quayle
  • «He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.»
    – Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer
  • «If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.»
    – George Gobel
  • «If only faces could talk…»
    – Pat Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl
  • «Every minute was more exciting than the next.»
    – Linda Evans, actress
  • «I’m not anorexic. I’m from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I’ve never heard of one. And that includes me.»
    — Jessica Simpson

Bill Murray on being obnoxious

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Bill Murray on being obnoxious

BILL2

#ana_christy #beatnikhiway.com#bill_murray

https://youtu.be/YE6MQ56_yyg

murray

“I‘m just an obnoxious guy who can make it appear charming, that’s what they pay me to do,” said Bill Murray in an interview with T.J. English for Irish America . In an episode of PBS Digital Studios’ “Blank on Blank,” Murray cracks wise on giving back to his mom when he made it big, hijinks on the set of Ghostbusters, the spiritual change that saved him from destruction, and how fame sort of helps with talking to women.

#ana_christy#bill_murray#beatnikhiway.com#counter_culture

 

14 Crazy Pics Of Famous Actors As Women

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14 Crazy Pics Of Famous Actors As Women

 

John S. Cow Oct 19, 2015 Humo\
Hilarious user-generated photomanipulation project seamlessly showcases how some of Hollywood’s most famous faces would look like if they were women.

#1. Daniel Watson or Emma Radcliffe

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#2. Ms McKellen

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#3. Bradley Spears

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#4. Serena Wayans

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#5. Hugh Laurie

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#6. Nicolas Cage

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#7. Samuela L. Jackson

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#8. Robert Downey

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#9. Zac Aniston

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#10. Benicio Del Jovovich

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#11. Ms. Bean

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#12. Leonardo Dicaprio

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#13. Daniel Craig

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#14. Jim Carrey

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